at myself, my weight and body shape, my hair and my relationships. I am angry that all of these things require me to wait for them to get better. I am bitter that I am not healthy. I am angry, just very quietly.
I do. I feel a knot in my stomach and feel the empty space. You can only fill the void for so long but then its just you and the cold side of the pillow up late with to many thoughts and fears.
Whenever I get sad I go over the steps to make cheese and then I feel better.
My environment is becoming increasingly unstable and I don’t want to be here anymore, whenever I get home I can’t wait to leave. This is nothing new. I KNOW freedom and safety and happiness are just around the corner, they have to be. For now though I should eat, I don’t want to but I should do it anyway. Hurumph.
Trying to start a life at this point seems sometimes more than I can stand. The alternative though is sitting on my dads couch forever. I need to get a job. Period. I need to get my license, but that’s being held up because Dad hasn’t put me on his insurance yet. I wish I lived somewhere else, anywhere else. I wish someone would just let me and a few of my belongings crash with them until I got on me feet! No, that would make me even more complacent. What I need is a fire lit under my ass, So.. I’ve given myself a deadline. I am to be out of my house and on my own (more or less) no later than March 2013. That is 6 months to find a job, a roommate, and somewhere to live. I will NOT live at home as a 20 year old I can’t do it. I’ll live with Mom before that happens, she has a garage!
This place doesn’t feel quite like home anymore. I’m lonely the second I walk through the door.
Love in my eyes is so devastatingly permanent when rejected. I don’t throw that little word around it’s special and the feelings associated with it are even more so. They are delicate and carfully woven and refined. Love when accepted is honest and pure and truthful. When rejected though it can ferment into bitterness and a deep sense of loss may always be attached to it. It will sit in your stomach like a piece of lead and you can never quite get it out of your system. Love is permanent and not to be taken lightly. The love for another human being lasts until the day you die, true love does anyway. The ache in your gut. The flutter of your heart. The want. It never goes away and that’s just fine, love is forever. Like a contract with your heart.
“Tell her about the 23rd”
“You’re not going”
*the sound of my heart breaking in half*
“You made me make a little girl cry”
“Fine, you can go”
I’m not a little girl! Stop looking at my shorts!
I want to hide in my room forever until it’s time to go to the aquarium in 11 days…
I am frustrated with my relationships, all of them are strained. My stomach gets turned inside out when ANY of them are them are threatened I flip my lid and get insanely insecure and all I want to do is move so far away that even my thoughts of them get left in the dust. I freak out, a lot. I just want to get under my covers and hide but I know I can’t. That’s silly. I have to face the bad and embrace the fact that the short time I get with these people is all I have so I may as well enjoy it. Am I going to care that my dad married a jerk after he has died? No I’m going to be glad he found someone to love. Am I going to care that my best friend Never hangs out with me? Not really, I’m going to be happy that before our first dance we helped each other get ready. Am I going to care that he didn’t hold my hand in public after this thing is over? Maybe.. But I’ll be more happy about the fact that I got so much from the “relationship” and I’m going to remember the kiss that gave me chills. I wish relationships were easy to keep strong and build and repair but they aren’t that’s why people value them. Nothing worth keeping is easily won. I’ll fight for what I want, no doubt about it.